Tinder and Hypergamy: The Truth about Modern Dating

Send me your funniest pick up line

I once had a friend contact the developers of Tinder and ask them if there was a problem with his app because he wasn't getting any matches. They told him that there wasn't a problem, and that he was just "too fucking ugly."

It makes sense. He's an average-looking dude and Tinder is a looks-based app.

Moreover, when it comes to Tinder:

Women only like 4% of the men they see on the app.

Men like more than 60% of the women they see on the app.

It's a weird little game we play on dating apps. The app asks us who we like and who we want to ignore. We swipe left or right, basically saying your genes are or aren't good enough to continue the human race.

There's a modern term for this: "hypergamy."

Here's what it means and how it determines your dating life.

The Truth About Hypergamy

Hypergamy is the atavistic practice of women marrying up and across economic classes. This phenomenon has been around for centuries, but it's only recently that we've started calling it by name.

All hypergamy means is that historically speaking, women want a partner who is able to provide for them and their future children. A 2004 study had this to say about hypergamy —

“Females generally prefer dominant males as mates... Although the markers of social status can vary somewhat from one culture to the next, the basic relation is the same: Culturally successful men are preferred as mating and marriage partners.

With the exception of age and physical attractiveness, women are more selective in their choice of marriage partners than are men In addition to ambition, industriousness, and social dominance, women tend to rate the emotional stability and the family orientation of prospective marriage partners more highly than do men.’

"Success" can be measured in many ways than one and, "providing" doesn't always mean money. But, in general, the idea that women want a partner who can provide is an evolutionary imperative.

Is all of this too traditional for 2022? Maybe. Some researchers make a strong case that hypergamy is on the way out as more women achieve financial success and attend higher levels of education.

No matter what, however, hypergamy still seems to have a place in modern dating. For instance, a study recently published in the BBC found that women initiate 70% of all divorces, meaning that they are still the ones who are most likely to "trade up."

A Huffington Post article all but confirms this as well:

“Naturally, we don’t date the Bottom 10% of men, and with good reason. Your personal Bottom 10 is a no-fly zone. If you feel repelled by someone, there is no overcoming that feeling, no matter how great of a person he is.”

How to Game Hypergamy

This is the part of the article where I say any guy who blames women for his lack of dating success is a little bitch.

In fact, you can even go back to the first biblical story to see an example of this. Eve gives Adam the apple and he blames her, he blames God, and he blames the world, even though he was the one who ate it.

The blame game is easy and, to be frank, completely pathetic.

If anything women "upgrading" in today's society after years of oppression should make men better, and make better relationships overall. But, that's not how the world works. It's never that straightforward.

Dating apps like Tinder did for the sexual marketplace what the internet and Amazon did for the real world marketplace. In other words it introduced market conditions closer to perfect competition.

That ugly friend of mine (who’s actually a good dude and not really that ugly) described it perfectly:

"Social media and dating apps became a place where you’re judged not on who you are, but on how well you photograph and can create an ad for yourself. It’s a numbers game.

You’re not selling a person, you’re selling a brand, a vibe, and an experience through your bio, pictures, and conversation. And it needs to be congruent.

Your ability to “match” with someone isn’t based on anything good about you, it’s only based on whether you’re a good salesman or not.

Now, this is where he's wrong.

All of life is advertising and you need to learn that fast. You go out looking like a slob you're advertising. You go out looking sharp you're advertising. Yes, people judge books by their cover and yes, you do it too. Don't tell me you have a heart of gold and only date unhygenic messes because you know they're good people on the inside.

But here’s where my friend is right: online dating is just like running an ad for a product (in this case: you). This means it can be optimized, you can change your copy, you can use new "Call to Actions" (CTAs), you can use new cover images, and you can do things that get you better CTRs and conversions.

If you want quality matches you need personality in your bio.

Write your best qualities down. And if you have none then you still need to adventure, explore, take risks and live a life worth telling about.

You can't be a boring person and expect to have people throwing themselves at you. Especially when it comes to online dating, a quality bio will attract more intellectual girls. And it doesn’t have to be a bio full of rainbows and kittens. Legendary Wall St. investor Michael Burry met his wife like this:

I met my wife on Match.com. My profile said, quote, I am a medical student with only one eye, an awkward social manner, and $145,000 in student loans.

She said I was everything she's been looking for.

She meant honest.

If you like playing board games and watching Star Trek, WRITE IT DOWN.

But, what if some girl judges me for watching Star Trek?

Yeah, that's the point, filter those people out. And if none of that works then try the original method: Take a weekend and ask 20 girls for their number and don't go home until you get over a fear of rejection.

Final Thought

Online dating and hypergamy aren’t the end all be all.

You could have a six-pack, make six figures, and be six feet tall—but that doesn't mean you're going to have women throwing themselves at you.

Women are attracted to more than just looks and money. They're attracted to confidence, humor, ambition, and a whole host of other things that are best conveyed in person. It's why dating apps can be extremely limiting and appeal solely to a hypergamous instinct.

I recommend mixing in both dating apps and real life approaches. It’ll help. And if you're ever caught up on an opening line, just know that no opening line has ever been so perfect that the woman didn't look past it. But if you need one, here you go:

1. Hi, how are you?

2. Let me get your opinion on something?

3. Can you settle a debate for me?

And with that, I'm off to go meet my Tinder date. She's a middle school teacher who just quit her job. I'll let you know how it goes.

Cheers!